While you were sleeping
by panatlantic
Summary: its... its... um... terazumatsuzuki nnU -(sorta) - relaly short 'chapters' don't be put off by that 10
1. Default Chapter

Terazuma had a slight problem.  
  
Oh. And he was dead. But so were all his other work colleagues so it was okay.  
  
The problem was, he could not come into contact with members of the opposite sex. Technically he couldn't come into contact with members of the same sex which majorly resembled members of the opposite sex either.  
  
The result of such contact was . . . well he'd rather not think about it.  
  
This left him with only two options.  
  
1. Live a death of loneliness and utter despair  
  
Or  
  
2. Get a boyfriend.  
  
#1. Not being the most - shall we say, 'desirable' outcome for spending the rest of his after-life (i.e. eternity) he opted for #2. This choice also had the advantage that if it failed he would still end up living the aforementioned misery, so it was really no choice at all . . . just an eventuality. But we digress.  
  
Terazuma was not a demanding man (by his own standards anyway). But regardless he didn't want just any boyfriend, he wanted the best boyfriend.  
  
So he made a list of possible candidates (thankfully, he also wanted a convenient boyfriend, so the list was short and only involving those in the immediate vicinity).  
  
Tatsumi.  
  
Not bloody likely.  
  
Terazuma had researched this whole 'boyfriend' thing in advance. Saya and Yuma had been all too happy to lend their expertise on such things, and while he may have wished they could have been less graphic in their descriptions, Terazuma had rapidly come to the conclusion he did not want to be the physically smaller partner.  
  
Terazuma crossed Tatsumi from the list, noting in the margin 'too tall'.  
  
At his desk Tatsumi imperceptibly relaxed as Terazuma came to some conclusion. Terazuma had stood in the open doorway staring at him for nearly ten minutes before scratching some notes in a book and slinking away with a look of resignation. Out of some innate sense of self-preservation, he had no desire to pursue the matter and returned to his work.  
  
Watari.  
  
It was not really coincidence that the scientist should happen to both be the next person Terazuma ran into, and incidentally the second person on his list - actually Terazuma had numbered the list based on proximity (again for convenience) and Watari's laboratory was the next nearest office. After Kanoe of course, but since nobody REALLY thinks of Kanoe as human . . . more like an evolved form of a gushoshin . . . or something, it wasn't an issue.  
  
There was a problem with Watari too of course.  
  
Watari was obsessed with the idea of creating a gender-changing potion. This was a problem because it was very likely he might succeed someday. It was more than possible such a potion existed since Watari had on several occasions created potions that changed age and species alike. Naturally Terazuma had no intention of seducing a man that could be a woman tomorrow. Then he'd have to start all over. Nope. He scratched the name off his list. 'Too'. . . he tapped the pen thoughtfully for a moment before scribbling 'trans-gender motivated'.  
  
Watari, who'd been the subject of Terazuma's surprise inspection, was naturally relieved when the assessor left. Truly this required further attention. Not as much however as that beaker that was overflowing and mixing with the . . . o damn.  
  
Terazuma hummed happily to himself as he rounded the corner to the next office, oblivious to the fact he had already eliminated over 50% of his candidates (not to mention the raging inferno and squawking birds just two doors back).  
  
Flinging open the door he glared at Hisoka, who having no idea what was going on but convinced it was all Tsuzuki's fault (wasn't everything?) tossed up between finishing his paperwork in the staff room and watching Tsuzuki get throttled.  
  
Who said Hisoka didn't have narcissistic tendencies?  
  
Peering over at what Terazuma was writing however, Hisoka took exception.  
  
'Possibly girl in disguise.' Scrawled Terazuma next to Hisoka's name.  
  
"Hey!" Hisoka complained pouting, as Terazuma obliviously went to examine the rooms other occupant.  
  
"What are you doing?" Demanded Hisoka, intercepting Terazuma from the sleeping Tsuzuki. Not that he was concerned his partner might wake up - he knew for a fact only two things could wake Tsuzuki from a nap and since no prurient, psychopath doctors were present and lunch was yet a good 15 minutes away . . .  
  
"Nothing." Denied Terazuma slamming the notebook shut.  
  
Not before Hisoka got a good look at Terazuma's plans for seduction of course . . . and being the angel of mercy that he was, he decided to use the information for his own amusement. That is to say, had this been a *cough* anime *cough*, Hisoka would have grown kawaii little bat wings, horns and pointed tail, not to mention be accessorising with a pitchfork.  
  
Terazuma had since returned to his examination of the next candidate. This was also the last candidate unless he planned to go cross-departmental or poultry. He peered intently at his victim keeping this fact firmly in mind.  
  
Alas, desperation was not enough to change the fact this was Tsuzuki, arch- nemesis.  
  
'Ugly.' He scrawled in the column next to Tsuzuki's name. Well that was that. Back to being straight and lonely.  
  
"Isn't he cute while he's asleep?" Intercepted Hisoka as Terazuma made to leave. Hastily he wiped away Tsuzuki's drool and hoped Terazuma had missed it on his perfunctory examination. "Almost pretty enough to be a girl, but still manly enough not to . . . oh I don't know . . . trigger a gender specific curse?"  
  
Hook, line and sinker. Terazuma paused and took a second look.  
  
"He doesn't snore!" Added Hisoka.  
  
It was true. Snoring tended to attract attention to the fact that you weren't paying any. This resulted in loss of wages. Which resulted in loss of food. Which resulted in a not-very-happy Tsuzuki. Thus the art of stealth-sleeping was born.  
  
This may have seemed an out-of-nowhere remark to anyone else, but that HAD been one of the requirements for a life (after) partner Terazuma had conceived earlier.  
  
". . . has no obsession with chemistry and is shorter than you."  
  
Terazuma was forced to ponder this. Kekekekekeke.  
  
"But . . . it's still Tsuzuki." He pointed out stupidly.  
  
Hisoka panicked. He didn't realize it would be this difficult to manipulate Tsuzuki's arch-nemesis who absolutely hated him into thinking he loved the Baka. He only had a few minutes until Tsuzuki would wake up and no doubt ruin Hisoka's precious ones of minutes of planning and preparation. There must be some way to play on Terazuma's blatantly competitive nature and . . . .  
  
"Oh. . . but I guess Tsuzuki wouldn't be interested in you . . . " Muttered Hisoka morosely.  
  
"Eh?" Snapped Terazuma.  
  
"Well, Tatsumi is . . . and there's this doctor that likes him and . . . the earl . . . you know . . ."  
  
Terazuma gasped. At least THREE others? This meant . . . well if other people wanted Tsuzuki . . . and he DID control 12 high level shikigami. . .  
  
"I'll do it!" He cheered enthusiastically, pumping one fist in the air.  
  
Hisoka not being a complete bastard (he was working on it, but these things take time) thought now might be a good time to stop.  
  
"You're gay, Hisoka! What do I do first?"  
  
Twitch. Or maybe not. 


	2. 2

hisoka_fangirl : . . . nor is he in the original totally evil and hell bent on world domination, but that doesn't mean he won't be ^_^ - no actually that's just kind of a joke since I don't think so either - and trust me for this fic Hisoka doesn't think so too (but really I don't think that's the best angle to be taking with Yami no mats - I mean NOT gay? Get outta town!)  
  
Lily : it's his own fault for being so cute O_O  
  
___________ ____________________ _______________  
  
11.57:30: Subject catatonic.  
  
11:57:45: Minor movement of appendage.  
  
11:58:00: Subject appears to be in~~~  
  
Terazuma scowled as his subject knocked away his pen in horror, scrambling to cower under the desk. . . what would you call that? A throe of waking?  
  
In the past, Tatsumi had experimented with having the opaque backs of the desks replaced with perspex to discourage certain employee's from hiding (and sleeping) under them, however this project had been abandoned due to the incredible cost involved in cutting said employee free from the broom closet drawer once the preferred position was no longer available. Hence this retreat had been effective.  
  
Except one generally is not seen going about the business of secreting oneself under a desk - rendering the desired outcome. . . void. Not that it mattered, since the action was driven entirely by reflex rather than purpose.  
  
"Ohayo Tsuzuki-kun." Commented Terazuma amiably, peering under the desk.  
  
"Oh. . . oh. . .ohayo." He managed weekly. It wasn't every day one woke up in raptures at the prospect of +*-food-*+ and eager to remove oneself to the outlet of said +*-food-*+ with all haste . . . only to be met with the leering visage of one's adversary. But wait! Terazuma was here AND it was lunchtime. Was it possible Wakaba was here with +*-food-*+.? The logic was flawed by the fact Terazuma was smiling and Terazuma only ever smiled when it was he and not Tsuzuki receiving +*-food-*+. As ever, this was not noticed by the puppy that peered joyously out from behind the desk.  
  
Search.  
  
No Wakaba. What could this mean?  
  
"Tsuzuki-kun, Hisoka and I want to swap partners."  
  
"Rea-lly?" Questioned Tsuzuki a little too cheerful for Hisoka's tastes. The bound and gagged Hisoka Tsuzuki had found in the filing cabinet seemed to squirm in mute confirmation.  
  
Now Terazuma being the competitive SOB he was had taken Hisoka's sarcastic reply to his earlier comment about being gay rather to heart (proving once and for all slow and steady did not win the race). /"Oh sure, I'm about as straight as a bowling ball."/  
  
Hiding the potential rival for Tsuzuki's affection in the filing cabinet had two possible outcomes, either Tsuzuki, who was known to detest paperwork (which was generally stored in aforementioned cabinet) would never find him, or at the very least, would now have a negative association. Ah! The wonders of psychological warfare.  
  
Meanwhile Tsuzuki was thinking paperwork was not so bad after all.  
  
"Really!" Nodded Terazuma in confirmation, secretly pleased at how happy Tsuzuki looked at the prospect.  
  
"That's wonderful!" Sure some part of him was wondering if this was such a good pairing. Both Terazuma and Hisoka had combat training, but neither was particularly strong in offensive magic. This part was soon steam rolled by the much louder part of him which was reading off a mental menu of all the tasty sweets Wakaba knew how to make in a cheesy French accent.  
  
Wordlessly Tsuzuki gathered his things (a little stationary, a number of paperclips that had been bent to resemble various zoo animals, and a fern that's countenance declared quite brazenly that this was indeed Meifu, land of the dead) and went to settle into his new office with Wakaba.  
  
". . . I think he took that rather well." Smirked Terazuma, presuming the harder part of courtship over..  
  
"Baka." Hisoka commented almost absently. Yes, he was still bound and gagged, but one has to keep in mind how experienced Hisoka is when it comes to being bound and gagged. No challenge to slip out a familiar word like 'Baka'. 


	3. 3

BluePard: children? Maybe not in this fic, I suppose I could do a sequel but then Terazuma would have ta have one of Watari's potions and be a gurl (since it couldn't be tsu cos of the whole henshin thing) but they WOULD be cute, neeee???)  
  
Lodestar: Surely not . . . I mean he's gorgeous! (I didn't know because I'd not seen a picture of him when I wrote the first part but its true!!) Regarding the site: KNOCK YOURSELF OUT!  
  
so many words, so little actual fic . . .  
  
v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU  
  
"It wasn't exactly what I had in mind."  
  
No one can hear you scream in space . . . nor it seemed when the room was empty - except for yourself of course, but that'd be too much like self pity, so for the sake of semantics, Terazuma said it in his head.  
  
Somehow Tsuzuki had misinterpreted the . . . exchange. The idea had been for Terazuma and Tsuzuki to become partners, and from there, their love- love relationship would bloom like one of those flower things in the toilet duck adds. In time, Terazuma would overcome his natural aversion to Tsuzuki's work ethic, personal appearance, manners etc etc and Tsuzuki would overcome his natural aversion to getting jumped in various discrete locations (which, while a very maiden-like aversion to have, was bordering on a phobia).  
  
. . . unfortunately, thanks to a rather ingenious food bribery scheme Wakaba had concocted, Tsuzuki was actually doing work which had delighted the secretary and chief both, pretty much reducing Terazuma's hopes of completing the exchange to his satisfaction somewhere between nix and nil . . . . at any rate, Terazuma was stuck partnered to Hisoka (who had bitched and moaned for most of the morning before excusing himself to go enroll in a cooking class on Chijou).  
  
Hmm. Not that he'd told anyone where he was going. Nope. It had been Terazuma's own 'discrete investigation' that turned up the flyer in the trash can.  
  
Now what Hisoka may have forgotten (or been too distraught to notice) was that not many people on Chijou knew the mailing address for Meifu. It was necessary to have a mailing address, mostly used to receive bills and complaints, but as Shinigami were generally discouraged from making contact with the living outside of casework, very little else.  
  
. . . until the year Tsuzuki had decided to send out Christmas cards. Complete with the return address on the envelope. Tatsumi had been furious (but too cheap to change the box number). Hence the mail usually consisted of solicitous messages to the office for money, and solicitous letters to Tsuzuki for . . . other things.  
  
~*~*~*FLASHBACK*~*~*~  
  
Hisoka: Whatever possessed you to send a Christmas card to, of all people, Muraki . . . ? *twitch* It's Muraki! Evil psychopathic SOB! Guy that keeps trying to torture me and kill me and molest you and stuff like that!  
  
Tsuzuki in a rare moment of insight came to two conclusions;  
  
1. Hisoka did not need to know that Tsuzuki habitually signed Hisoka's name to these things as well.  
  
and  
  
2. Hisoka did not need to know this years card had featured a picture of Hisoka, taken without his knowledge, asleep at his desk with a cunningly placed sprig of mistletoe and an insert that read 'puck . . . er . . . actually, better not to even think it when the little empath (occasional telepath) was there and not in a good mood.  
  
~*~*~*END FLASHBACK*~*~*~  
  
But that was another matter.  
  
It meant Hisoka'd probably been setup and would be kidnapped sometime in the next hour or so.  
  
That's usually how these things went (according to the case files which Terazuma had been reading anyway). The question was, how best to use it to his advantage. Er . . . and secure Hisoka's safety of course. But really, 'Muraki-sensei's school of Culinary Proficiency' ? Sure Muraki may not be that an unusual a name . . . but the boy might be at least a little suspicious.  
  
Well it wasn't all bad. Terazuma had been meaning to look this Muraki fellow up anyway. Weigh him up as a potential rival and all . . . not that he thought he'd be much of a challenge, medical practitioners weren't really held in that high a degree of respect when you're already dead and can heal quite nicely from most wounds on your own (thankyou-very-much). According to the files, he was not just a doctor, but a mad, psychopath who dabbled in the dark arts - or was that a double negative? Do mad and psychopath cancel out? It was hard to tell from reading from Tsuzuki's writing. Hisoka's reports were much more succinct, but then he was biased (having been killed by Muraki himself), so Terazuma hadn't bothered to read them (he was after all the very embodiment of justice).  
  
Now all he had to do was wait for a ransom note or something. Hopefully the 'something' since the mail system wasn't all that reliable. Wait. And go through Hisoka's drawers (in the desk!). It yielded a surprising number of personal photographs of Tsuzuki, but luckily, today Terazuma wasn't a suspicious man and overlooked this. At least he wasn't suspicious * now *, having found Hisoka's journal in the bottom draw, which contained several hundred entries explaining very decisively just how much Hisoka did not like Tsuzuki. Of course, Terazuma was not to know this was a decoy placed by Hisoka himself. The real diary, with Hisoka's real feelings, was hidden in the drawer of the broom closet where Tsuzuki would never ever think to look (opposed to cleanliness as he was).  
  
v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU v.vU  
  
Meanwhile on Chijou, Hisoka couldn't help thinking that that cooking school looked suspiciously like a hospital. Funny that. 


	4. 4

"Who the hell are you?" Asked Muraki, and in truth he had every right to be perplexed when Terazuma (rather than his beloved Tsuzuki) burst through the door, interrupting his little discipline session with the boy.  
  
He was also a little scared, after all, it could be the police. He hid it well behind a mask of indifference. Not that a few police officers posed a threat to him physically. No, it was more a matter of tall, sexy, albino doctors were somewhat of a rarity in Japan and if the police had associated him with murder etc he might be able to move less freely (that and they'd probably revoke his medical license).  
  
"Ahaha . . . It's not what you think officer, this boy and I were just . . . um . . . " What would you call that? It did look pretty suspicious given the brat was trussed like a pig on a spit and a little on the naked side . . . Muraki glared at Hisoka on the presumption it was him that had called the cops in the first place. How rude.  
  
Then it occurred to Muraki that the intruder was alone.  
  
Alone = vulnerable.  
  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
"Muraki! I'll do whatever you want, just let him gACK!" Tsuzuki pointed an accusatory finger at his nemesis. "What's he doing here?!?" He demanded pointing at Terazuma (also restrained). Terazuma glowered back.  
  
It was supposed to be one of those, barge in, offer Muraki sex for freeing Hisoka, then run away at the last minute rescue plans (it was the same strategy he used to steal Tatsumi's lunch earlier that day, so he knew it would work). However Terazuma's being there complicated matters.  
  
You see, the problem with hostages, was that when the bad guy took them, it kinda prevented you from calling out a few shikigami and incinerating said bad guy. Well, you could, but it tended to kill the hostages too, which kinda defeated the purpose (which was attempting to save them).  
  
Muraki was a little skeptical. Tsuzuki had in fact offered a similar trade in the past, but alas, had 'forgotten' the arrangement at the last minute and run away before they could consummate their love.  
  
With this second hostage however, Muraki could release one now, and one after, hence Tsuzuki would not 'forget' his end of the bargain. Lucky!  
  
Tsuzuki, while Muraki was smirking away at his own inner monologue, was thinking if he could just free Hisoka, Terazuma could probably survive a little torching.  
  
"All right!" Cheered Muraki, moving to release the more recently acquired hostage. Truthfully he hadn't had an opportunity to question the new hostage on what his relationship with Tsuzuki was, but he knew Tsuzuki had a soft spot for the brat so it was a fair bet to hold onto him for later.  
  
"Er . . . I meant I'd do anything except, you know . . . actually. I changed my mind." Corrected Tsuzuki. Yes. That's the way. Retreat and think up a new strategy. "Ja ne!"  
  
"Tsuzuki-san, aren't you forgetting something?" Muraki wasn't so easily swayed. When Tsuzuki didn't answer straight away, but continued to look baffled, he mouthed 'hostages' before comprehension dawned on Tsuzuki's face.  
  
"Oh." Tsuzuki scratched one cheek thoughtfully. "Well Hisoka's not really my partner anymore so you can't think I'll just keep coming!" Sniffled Tsuzuki.  
  
* * EARLIER THAT DAY * *  
  
"Watari." Whispered Tsuzuki frantically. "I need your help with something."  
  
"Eh?" Responded Watari. Despite being a genius and all, there was very little he could determine from the obscure entreaty, there were many, many things Tsuzuki needed help with, and frankly he had learnt the hard way not to agree to anything without knowing what first.  
  
"It's Terazuma! He keeps . . . jumping me!" 003 fluttered down in a show of sympathy - it couldn't be interpreted any other way since the little owl knew better than to expect Tsuzuki to have a food reward.  
  
"Ohhh!" Exclaimed Watari, nodding meaningfully. Of course he'd already got the details of the situation in part from Hisoka, and in part from his own observations (and a third part that involved hidden cameras). "Well Tsuzuki," He nodded sagely, "When 'someone' . . . likes . . . 'someone else' . . . and he's trying to . . ."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Tsuzuki's pitiable scream echoed through Enmacho (which despite it's volume, was a relatively common occurrence, so disturbed no one). Watari, presuming Tsuzuki understood the situation, wordlessly returned to his work.  
  
*~*~*~*END FLASHBACK*~*~*~*  
  
When Muraki raised one immaculate brow in response, Tsuzuki continued. "Yeah, that's right, he dumped me for this guy!" Accused Tsuzuki pointing one wavering finger at Terazuma.  
  
Shortly Muraki lead a crying Tsuzuki from the room (and presumably to the nearest bar to drown his sorrows). 


	5. interlude

"Ah Tsu-chan . . . if only . . . but I'm too much of a gentleman to take you in this state!" Murmured Muraki, self-effacing as he laid a very plastered Tsuzuki on his bed. "So perfect, even in sleep!"  
  
Tsuzuki rolled over, snoring not so lightly, a trail of spittle running down his chin. Muraki absently wiped it away - it was after all the lesser of two evils compared too earlier when Tsuzuki had emptied his stomach at Muraki's feet. Even though he had been inebriated and beyond his own comprehension, Muraki had come to the conclusion more than once already, that Tsuzuki might have been aiming. That thought aside, he continued.  
  
"My sweet, if only you . . . " Muraki suddenly remembered his bedside manner. It WAS after all the custom in these situations to strip down the ailing . . . er. . . so they could breathe better . . . and be more comfortable and such . . . Muraki absently wiped away his own drool as he got to work.  
  
(Such a martyr.)  
  
Muraki's earlier thoughts about not ravishing a certain drunken shinigami were forgotten. As there was no witness to his saying it anyway, Muraki was rather pleased with the outcome (after all, who was he to deny his nature?). To be on the safe side, he doused himself in sake so if Tsuzuki woke up he could claim he had also been drunk, stripped himself off and crawled into bed.  
  
Or rather attempted to.  
  
Dousing oneself in alcohol turned out not to be such a good idea, and Muraki had after all matched Tsuzuki bottle for bottle at the bar earlier. He staggered a little, making it to the coffee table before deciding it would be enough to admire his love from afar, and promptly passed out.  
  
  
  
Which was rather a good thing for Muraki, because all those romantic looking, mood-light providing candles and alcohol fumes do not mix. A reminder to all fangirls (and boys, should they exist) fire is not a toy.  
  
Had Muraki ignited it would most assuredly have set off the fire alarms and overhead sprinklers, which (despite conjecture otherwise) would surely have woken up Tsuzuki. This would have ruined any . . . developments in the fic (although one could argue Tsuzuki might still be drunk and vulnerable - this is irrelevant (the fact Muraki didn't get any anyway is also irrelevant))  
  
So keep in mind, if you must have your characters playing in bed with candles and the like, always have at least one of them sober. Preferably with a fire extinguisher on hand (a CO2 one is recommend - no residual mess, no problem with electric's).  
  
Sankyuu. 


	6. 6

Waking up some six hours later, with no memory of what had happened, but rather unscathed and well-rested, Tsuzuki could only come to one conclusion. If you plied him with enough liquor he was a complete and utter kink.  
  
This impression was not at all helped by the fact a shirtless Muraki was laid out on the coffee table, a little on the scorched side and covered in candle wax, looking far happier than any semi-conscious person had a right to be. Cautiously he collected his clothing as best he could, and went to dress (much to the delight of the motel staff) in the hallway.  
  
But he had more important things to worry about now then lecherous cleaning ladies!  
  
He had to rescue Hisoka!  
  
Finishing his complimentary buffet breakfast with due haste, he made his way back to where Hisoka (and Terazuma) had been held hostage. Truth be known, he might not have even found out where Hisoka was being held if Oriya did not routinely cc Watari the ransom notes as well (just in case Tsuzuki forgot to check the mail).  
  
Once he got to the aforementioned hide-out, he quickly apologized to the captives, who didn't even question where he'd been for the last eight hours, or why he wasn't wearing his own pants - which was rather encouraging (even if they were glowering rather menacingly behind their gags). If he was lucky they wouldn't ask at all and he wouldn't have to make up a lie, maybe involving killer bees and ladies in alligator shoes.  
  
"Tsuzuki! What took you so long?" Accused Hisoka, having successfully disengaged the gag.  
  
Curses. Foiled again . . . maybe if he'd just foregone that second serving of bacon . . .  
  
Tsuzuki opened his mouth to make a response but was interrupted before he could begin. "Muraki? What happened to Muraki?" Yelped Hisoka, absolutely merciless (in Tsuzuki's opinion) to the possibility anyone in the room might have a hangover. When Tsuzuki winced in pain, Hisoka cried out again, "Tsuzuki? Tsuzuki! Did he hurt you? Is he coming back here?"  
  
An opening!  
  
"Ah . . . he was unconscious when I got away, I don't know how long we have to escape . . . he could be here any minute!" Responded Tsuzuki effectively hushing him. "Let's just get out of here!" He cried, making short work of the human hair that had been used to bind Hisoka. Finally Hisoka thought he might have some kind of insight into that offhand comment Tatsumi had made about Tsuzuki being a hair-puller. Having untied Hisoka, he grabbed his free arm tugging him toward the exit.  
  
"Uh . . . Tsuzuki . . . muttered Hisoka, pointing back at Terazuma who was still restrained.  
  
"Oh. Him." Tsuzuki hummed thoughtfully for a moment. "No time?" He suggested. There was a rather significant pause on Hisoka's part, almost as though he might genuinely be considering this option. Which he was. However Terazuma (unasked for or not) was still his partner.  
  
"No!" Barked Hisoka finally, prompting Tsuzuki to toss aside the magazine he'd picked up to amuse himself while Hisoka was thinking. It was a few months old and someone had already done the crosswords. Probably Oriya since all the eight letter word answers were filled in 'K A Z U T A K A'. "We can't leave him for Muraki!" Hisoka finished altruistically, almost in denial of the fact that he'd been musing on how big of a bad mark it would leave on his permanent record if he'd just agreed.  
  
Which had incidentally given Muraki the time he needed to wake up and return.  
  
Actually, it only took five minutes to walk from the motel to home if you knew the way. It had only taken Tsuzuki so long because he had to stop for directions twice and pastries once. Muraki had spent the other twenty-five minutes squeezing himself into a too small pair of pants (since Tsuzuki had obviously taken his own as some kind of souvenir - gratifying yet inconvenient). It had been a tight fit, but Muraki had learnt that day that there was indeed more than one way to get into Tsuzuki's pants (and despite popular belief, only two of them involved zippers).  
  
Incidentally, he fully intended to take advantage of this new wealth of knowledge as soon as possible.  
  
"But why would anyone in their right mind want to kidnap Hisoka?" Asked Terazuma, genuinely confused, once he had had his gag removed. As far as he could tell Hisoka, while a little on the fem side, was nothing more than a whiney brat, one might even compare him to one of those yappy dogs.  
  
"Well I wouldn't really say Muraki was exactly in his right mind . . ." Mused Tsuzuki, which wasn't exactly as defensive as Hisoka would have liked.  
  
"He only kidnapped me to get at Tsuzuki!" Exclaimed Hisoka.  
  
"Really?" Remarked Terazuma thoughtfully, caught up with the idea of a new rival. Frankly he was disappointed with Tatsumi who didn't seem too worried about his interest in Tsuzuki. Of course there was the possibility Tatsumi was so sure of Tsuzuki he didn't need to react, but Terazuma didn't want to even contemplate that right now. "Why bother?"  
  
"Huh?" Responded Hisoka intelligently.  
  
"Well . . . I mean why not just send Tsuzuki some sort of flyer about free chocolate samples or something and kidnap him directly." Hisoka just stared at Terazuma blankly.  
  
Muraki, hidden behind the door, took notes. That might just work.  
  
"That would never work!" Sputtered Hisoka enraged. "For obvious reasons!" Since the reasons were supposedly obvious, Terazuma didn't respond. After all, he didn't want to look stupid.  
  
"Why not?" Asked Tsuzuki confuzzled, earning an extra hard glare from Hisoka, yet at the same time grateful looks from Muraki (still hidden) and Terazuma.  
  
"Just because!" Glared Hisoka vehemently.  
  
"Because why?" Insisted Tsuzuki. "I love chocolate! I'd definitely come for chocolate. It would work and you know it!" Accused Tsuzuki defiantly. Crossing his arms over his chest, still completely oblivious that the recommended plan preyed heavily on his own simplicity.  
  
" . . . and this Muraki guy would have the element of surprise since Tsuzuki wouldn't be suspicious. Coming to rescue you he'd already know it had to be a trap and would have backup." Pointed out Terazuma.  
  
"That's right!" Chimed Tsuzuki. Of course, this had been rather presumptuous on Terazuma's part since Tsuzuki had indeed had no backup organized, and once the original seduction plan failed . . . well . . .  
  
Hisoka, who rarely saw this decisive side of Tsuzuki, was finding it difficult to keep from blushing. So forceful. So manly. "Let's just get out of here!" He grumbled angrily, shoving past Tsuzuki with a lot more physical contact than was absolutely necessary to achieve it.  
  
Muraki, impressed with this new, more logical approach to abducting Tsuzuki let them leave. On one hand this gave him more time to formulate his new approach, and on the other, without resistance there was no reason for Tsuzuki to destroy his apartment, and yes, frankly the insurance company was starting to get suspicious with the number of times it had been torched already. 


	7. 7

Tsuzuki and Wakaba were called into a mission briefing the very next day. Tsuzuki was a little disappointed since he wouldn't be able to attend the grand opening of a new chocolate store in Odaiba (but not nearly as disappointed as Muraki who had invested the majority of his savings account in chocolate body paint). Otherwise the meeting went as normal, except for two separate incidents in which Terazuma was absolutely convinced Tatsumi was scowling at him.  
  
Maybe it was genuine malice, maybe it was Terazuma's imagination, or maybe it was that irritating piece of what was quite possibly spinach stuck between his teeth. who knows, that might even explain why he excused himself to floss part way through the meeting. But Terazuma was neither indecisive nor observant  
  
There was only one way to solve this in a gentlemanly fashion.  
  
* * *  
  
"A love potion." Was the monotone answer to Terazuma's enquiries. Which required a considerable amount of acting on Watari's part seeing as he was actually incredibly excited at the idea of a commission.  
  
Now, Watari being a practiced meddler knew instinctively why Terazuma would want such a thing, but as he had no moral convictions when it came to drugging his unwilling co-workers, accepted anyway. He could always claim later he didn't know what Terazuma was up to. . . . that it had been more of a theoretical challenge . . . that he had no idea of the possible side effects . . .  
  
Hell. All his test subjects were already dead, it's not like it was going to kill them.  
  
Terazuma nodded encouragingly.  
  
"Yes I suppose such a thing might be possible." Mused Watari. "But expensive. . . . and time consuming.. . . " Well . . . actually . . . there was one he had prepared earlier that needed testing, but best to drive the price up first  
  
The problem with love potions was that they were notoriously unpredictable, and had a success rate somewhat close to that of gender-changing potions. They also appeared to be somewhat similar in composition to gasoline, which resulted in all sorts of trouble when incorrectly prepared.  
  
Tsuzuki, who had spontaneously combusted 8 times already, might agree.  
  
Luckily he healed fast, and was, fortunately, already dead. That and Tsuzuki hadn't drawn the connection between Watari spiking his drinks and subsequent incineration. In fact, combined with Tsuzuki's readiness to consume anything steeped in sugar, this was what made him one of Watari's favorite test subjects.  
  
Terazuma, rather reluctantly agreed to Watari's terms, which consisted of 'volunteering' his time and the majority of his future earnings towards Watari's research, with the proviso if the potion failed he was free to go. Watari didn't usually leave loopholes like that on his contracts, but of course this potion wasn't going to fail - it was after all the much anticipated Love Potion #9.  
  
- - -  
  
(this chapter is so short because the next chapter deals with a different character na no da) 


	8. 8

They're not OOC. they're just unusually reasonable ;P  
  
* * *  
  
If Misery loved company then Tatsumi would be feeling rather loved right now. Tsuzuki had his human shield of females to keep Terazuma at bay, Hisoka sat scowling a few seats away, also prohibited from associating with his former partner by sheer survival instinct - sure they looked like innocent girls but the last time Yuma and Saya had got him alone. brrr. not to mention the new season Prada was out.). Even Watari was gloating over . . . something.  
  
He considered himself a simple if somewhat frugal man - where frugal in this context means 'cheap', 'stingy' or 'tight as a fish's' buttocks'. Regardless of the interpretation, he was proud of the fact. He was also a man of few vices, and currently one of those vices was engaged elsewhere. Testily (although the casual observer would be pressed to notice any change in his demeanor) he sat down to eat his lunch in peace.  
  
Which was a unique occasion in itself. Tatsumi hadn't had a quiet lunch in nearly 40 years. Not since he first came to the Shokan division and was partnered with Tsuzuki. Generally speaking, he either spent his time eating with Tsuzuki and discussing work ethics (where Tsuzuki did most of the eating, and Tatsumi did all of the nagging) or his lunch just mysteriously disappeared altogether, coinciding with the simultaneous disappearance of the aforementioned shinigami. On the rare occasion when Tsuzuki was actually ahead in his work and Tatsumi didn't need to discipline . . . well actually that had never happened before. Until now.  
  
Tsuzuki was quite firmly ensconced in what could only be called 'the pink half' of the cafeteria. Of course it could only be called a cafeteria oat all on the premise that it once served food; however due to a spate of food and beverage spiking, employees now had to bring their own meals. So far this had resulted in a 28% reduction in spontaneous combustions - but that was another story (or was it?).  
  
As far as Tatsumi could see, it would be virtually impossible to retrieve him. Tatsumi himself had no reason to intercede, as Tsuzuki had, if not gotten ahead, at least completed all his work on time and at an acceptable level of legibility. Kanoe, who had been taking flak from the other department heads for years, was overjoyed. Clearly there was no way to justify removing Tsuzuki from Wakaba's partner without resorting to drastic measures - and higher powers.  
  
* * *  
  
It just didn't sit right with Tsuzuki. Sure on the one hand he was surrounded with delicious food. And on the other . . . well more delicious food. Saya and Yuma might not know how to cook like Wakaba, but they sure knew where to buy stuff . . . and Tsuzuki was well and truly stuffed.  
  
What he missed was the thrill of the chase. He looked longingly over at Tatsumi's lunch, sitting oh-so-vulnerable just a few tables away. . . it would be so easy . . . so very easy . .  
  
"More pie Tsuzuki?" Interrupted Wakaba, holding out a slice of delicious delicious apple pie.  
  
Wakaba was 'A Nice Girl'.  
  
She was pretty. She could cook up a storm. She dressed cutely, did her job well, was highly skilled at fuda magic, had an unblemished work record and was all around perfect. Thusly she did not take rejection well. And when her FORMER partner had organized to change partners on her without consulting her even in the slightest . . . not a word of explanation . . . there was hell to pay, and the receipt would be made out to one Terazuma Hajime.  
  
Now its commonly known the way to a man's heart was through his stomach (although in her current state of mind Wakaba might argue it would be quicker to go directly through the rib cage, preferably with something sharp), then the way out of such an arrangement was through the stomach of another man (although logic might dictate that if the stomach (accessed via the mouth) was the way in, then perhaps the way out lied in the posterior. thankfully, for Tsuzuki's sake, logic has nothing to do with matters of the heart.  
  
Saya and Yuma were far simpler to comprehend. Wakaba's last partner had been inaccessible (that whole females-make-hulk-smash' thing) and hence undressable. The closest they'd managed to get was a furisode . . . and the way he's reacted to the mere suggestion . . . you'd almost think there was something wrong with cross-dressing!  
  
But salvation was at hand! Where opportunity closed a door, necessity opened a window - and it was well known in the Shokan division that Saya and Yuma were not to proud to sneak in through windows. Especially into otherwise secure change rooms. Usually armed only with photographic equipment and the occasional ball gown. Perhaps they'd merely been distracted by the feminine and pretty, yet entirely too reticent Hisoka to notice before, but Tsuzuki had 'Potential'. More masculine than Hisoka perhaps, but nothing a little makeup and a padded bra couldn't fix.  
  
What made him even more appealing was that he was prepared to wear anything they asked for an apple pie and a 4L tub of cookie dough. Even now Saya and Yuma were discussing the alterations necessary to the decidedly pink . . . er . . . 'frock' was perhaps the best word for it, they intended to order.  
  
This did not bode well at all for Terazuma, who had not accounted for the possibility of Tsuzuki being feminized cosmetically. He might have been even more concerned if he knew Saya and Yuma had immediately contacted Watari concerning gender-changing potion research, given this fortuitous turn of events. Watari, despite knowing the intended victim, yet having no terms of exclusivity in his contract with Terazuma saw no reason to refuse. Of course 'plausible deniability' might have been a starting point (you didn't exactly find gender changing potions in the health food section at K- Mart), regardless he had agreed to produce the potion ASAP.  
  
Life was good. 


	9. 9

Things had just gone from Bad© to Worse™.  
  
Three staff members were out of commission, having spontaneously combusted within the last 24 hours, leaving the Shokan division dangerously undermanned, one of the Gushoshin brothers had been quarantined with what might possibly be bird flu, and, having just spotted a domino mask float by, Tatsumi was convinced HakuShaku was walking around the department naked.  
  
"Tsuzuki, I can't give you the day off." Reiterated Tatsumi, having explained he was short of employees to Tsuzuki (who was still convinced he might make that chocolate sale if he just hurried . . . ).  
  
Tsuzuki looked away, blushing, wondering if Tatsumi had figured it was him that had sent Elder Gushoshin (acknowledged hypochondriac) the avian influenza flyer so he [Tsuzuki] would have free reign to sleep in the library later today.  
  
"But Tatsuuuuumi!" Whined Tsuzuki, recovering from his moment of guilt. "Weird things keep happening! Terazuma's trying to kill me! And I keep getting this feeling like someone's grabbing my butt, but no ones there!"  
  
It was Tatsumi's turn to look away, wondering if Tsuzuki had any idea it was he [Tatsumi], that had called the Earl in on the grounds he might disapprove of Tsuzuki associating with the opposite gender. Unfortunately the Earl had been won over by Wakaba who had offered him tea, cake, and photo's of Tsuzuki in a poodle skirt to not get involved.  
  
At that moment, Kanoe walked past the office door, sipping a cup of coffee. He looked in for a moment, waved, and spontaneously combusted.  
  
Tatsumi felt a chill run down his spine, and instinctively pushed away, his own untouched cup of coffee. Tsuzuki being not nearly as intuitive, took a sip from his own.  
  
Tatsumi took the opportunity to clear anything flammable form his desk. It was unnecessary however as Tsuzuki seemed fine. Deciding it was worth the risk, since he would probably need the caffeine to get through today, Tatsumi took a hesitant sip out of his own cup (while Tsuzuki offered medical advice to a rather frazzled Kanoe).  
  
~~~ *** ~~~ *** ~~~  
  
Three hours later found Tsuzuki and Wakaba investigating a series of murders on Chijou. Theoretically speaking of course, because they were actually seated in a café not doing much of anything at all. Tsuzuki had a theory that psychotic, soul-stealing killers wouldn't be doing much during the afternoon, except possibly drinking huge quantities of expresso to keep them up at night, and this particular café *did* advertise that they served the best coffee in the district.  
  
Wakaba was suitably sceptical.  
  
As fate would have it, Oriya chose that particular afternoon to enjoy a cup of coffee, not because he was a psychotic, soul-stealing killer, but because he ran a brothel . . . er. . . 'escort agency', and was required to keep late hours.  
  
Tsuzuki looked suitably sceptical. Fortunately for Oriya, who was having a bad day, Tsuzuki had a short attention span, so the company wasn't completely unpleasant. Tsuzuki also being somewhat naïve believed Oriya ran a bar and was quite excited to receive a couple of free passes (Tatsumi was being tight again). In return he offered Oriya some chocolates that Watari had given him early that day.  
  
Oriya didn't usually have much of a sweet tooth, and Tsuzuki was counting on this when he made the offer, however Oriya had had somewhat of a craving for chocolate (possibly related to Muraki storming through his establishment earlier that day covered in body paint) and accepted.  
  
~~~ *** ~~~ *** ~~~ 


	10. haru ten

(sorry i'm having ot upload in text format because... well basically i formatted and can't find the office disks and... and... ffn is notorious for screwing with format so i have no idea what will happen v.v if it sucks too bad i'll take it off until i can fix it up :P iee! no spellcheck or word count either so no idea! NO IDEA!)  
  
also... i didn't really like this chapter, it seems too busy .; recycled .; etc (./); but i REALLY wanted to post something ;  
  
Back in the privacy of his own home, Oriya had time to examine the events of the afternoon. If anything, he had to admit that Tsuzuki Asato was a very strange man. Drop dead (pun intended) sexy? Undoubtably. But otherwise Oriya didn't see what Muraki saw in him. Although, being in the business he was, while Oriya knew sexy was enough in most cases, he was savvy enough to know there must be something more to Tsuzuki Asato. Hence he would take this oppertunity to study his rival, since Tsuzuki had promised to drop by sometime this evening.  
  
Peeling the foil from a chocolate he popped it into his mouth, enjoying the unusual bittersweet taste of the chocolate. Homemade?   
  
Perhaps that day Oriya learnt for the first time exactly why you did not (regardelss of their degree of sexiness) accept chocolate from strange men.   
  
Wakaba had left earlier in the evening, partially in disgust at her drunken partner, partly due to the fact she had been carded for the 15th time that night. SO there was a downside to permanently being a cute 14 year old after all, even in Japan, go figure. This left Tsuzuki in a rather inebriated kind of vulnerable as Terazuma, cleverly disguised as a Geisha, continued to ply him with alcohol.   
  
It was, after all, important research.  
  
For example he had already discovered it took a minimum of 6 bottles of sake to convince Tsuzuki he was a woman. He made apoint of scribbling that in his notebook for future reference. Another couple of cups and Tsuzuki'd beleive anything . . . or be too drunk to care. Win-win situation.   
  
Shortly after the 14th cup, Tsuzuki passed out. While alcohol poisoning was unlikely due to shinigami acelerated healing, Terazuma decided retreat was the best option.  
  
Having had a particularly bad day (it seemed to be contagious), Muraki casually walked past intent on bugging Oriya for a while (maybe he'd be interested in purchasing 40L of chocolate body paint?), pausing only to grimace at the particularly odd looking woman that was currently carrying a rather familiar looking shinigami in a firemans hold.  
  
True good help was hard to find, but surely Oriya wasn't so desperate for employees that . . . ? Muraki pushed down a twinge of guilt, rather embarressed to think Oriya might have fallen on hard times getting help since he'd knocked off a few of the girls over the last few months (hey. It was convenient at the time, and a spiritual energy sucking vampire has to eat too . . . ).   
  
Focus Muraki. Familiar looking shinigami.   
  
Oriya, while being somewhat of a good friend and all around nice guy (avoiding the occassional bout of concealing evidence from murder scenes etcetera etc . . .), did not seem to appreciate when Muraki summoned the various demons of hell in his business establishment.   
  
(Something about property damage. And insurance premiums.)   
  
So Muraki made a point of summoning small demons to subdue the abductor of his love. Not capable of much damage perhaps, but a few well placed shin-kicks aught to give him enough time to escape with his prey. Cackling somewhat insanely (which was becoming a rather bad habit, but it felt like the right thing to do at the time) he swooped to collect his prize, he was interrupted from his somewhat improvised get-away be a horrified scream.   
  
"MURAKI!" Screamed a desperate voice from the opposite end of the room.  
  
"UKYOU?!?!" Replied Muraki in disbeleif. What was she doing here? Better yet, how does one explain to one's fiance why one has their hand down another (albeit unconscious) mans pants? 'I'm a doctor . . . this is perfectly normal . . .' only worked so many times. There was only one other course of action.  
  
"YOUR BROTHER RUNS A BROTHEL!" Yelled Muraki trying to distract her. At least, if he was going down, he was taking Oriya with him.  
  
"Muraki! It's me, Oriya!" Stated the woman that Muraki had mistaken for Ukyou, "Did you just try to . . ?"  
  
"Oriya?" Muraki cut him off quickly, realising his mistake. "What the hell happened to you?" Even Tsuzuki who'd sobered slightly seemed to be staring at the former male with rather glazed eyes.  
  
"Oh THAT." Sniffed Tsuzuki indifferently. "It happens to me all the time. Did you accept candy from a stranger?" He asked curiously, before shrugging. "It should wear off in a couple hours." Even in his half conscious state he made a point of locating the fire exits.  
  
"What do you know about this?" Screamed Oriya, grabbing the other mans lapels and shaking furiously. Not that it made much difference when a person had that much alcohol in them. The room was quite capable of moving on its own, thankyou very much. "You . . . you drugged me!" He accused, but Tsuzuki had already passed out again. 


End file.
